Warriors: Into The Forest Parody
by Tesiva Fox
Summary: Explicit in parts Has extreme language in parts, & is NO WAY to be taken as hate-fic; we who are writing this love the books and are just having fun. proceed with CAUTION.I DO NOT own ANY of the original characters and places, all rights go to Erin Hunter
1. Chapter 1: Wood

Warriors: Into the Wild starring Hollowpaw. A Parody of the epic book by Erin Hunter  
PROLOGUE:  
After the battle with RiverClan Spottedleaf receives a vision.  
"Spottedleaf, what did you see?" Asks Bluestar.  
Spottedleaf gets a look on her face like O.O..no, really it honestly looked like that. I swear to god i am not JK.I am Eron Schunter, and Eron Schunter never lies when she tells her damn stories about dumbass cats goddamnit. Anyway, Spottedleaf replies: "Only Wood can save the Clan." Said Spottedleaf.  
"But wood is feared by all the clans!" Gasped Bluestar.  
And thus; our story begins. 

Wood was a box with a cat face painted on it. Graypaw the schizophrenic  
apprentice of ThunderClan, sees the box in the twoleg house window and he begins  
to speak with it. Because he is schizophrenic, he thinks its real and talks with  
him, and then he leaves. Wood's "owners" throw him out the back door and he  
wheels down the yard into the forest and "stares" into the trees. Then wind  
picks up and he blows further into the forest, hits a root, and he flips over  
and lands on top of a mouse. The ThunderClan leader Bluestar sees Wood and  
attacks him. Lionheart and Graypaw are with her and Graypaw recognizes his buddy  
ol' pal Wood. "Kittypet, you are tresspassing on ThunderClan territory." Bitches Bluestar.  
They then proceed to offer him a place in ThunderClan

Wood, being a box, does nothing but sit there. The cats from Thunderclan confuse this for indecisiveness, and give him a day to think over their offer. The next day, they return and Wood is still sitting there, "staring" into the trees. They decide that since he was still there, he really wanted to join their clan. So, telling him to follow, they head off into the woods. At first, Wood does nothing but sit there. Graypaw comes back and jokingly nudges his friend, sending Wood rolling further into the trees. Wood then does a series of flips over tree roots on his trip downhill toward the Thunderclan camp. Graypaw thinks that Wood is pretty awesome, and attempts to do a few flips himself on the way. He fails miserably.

As the group nears the clearing, the Clan cats hear the jingling from Wood's loose change in his box-ly self. "What's that?" Mews Mousefur.

As soon as she says it, Wood comes crashing through the brambles. "IT'S A KITTYPET!" Exclaimes Whitestorm. Soon Graypaw comes jumping in after Wood, and over shoots where he wanted to land and sailed his insane ass into the nursery walls; (making it fall apart) where Tigerclaw is mating with the Medicine Cat Spottedleaf inside.

For some reason the dumbass Apprentice thinks its funny and stares. While this is happening, Bluestar and Lionheart are introducing Wood.

"This is Wood, he will be joining ThunderCl-"

"BUT HES UHHH KIDDYP-" Whines Longtail.

"JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH. I'M SICK OF YOUR MOUSE-SHIT LONGTAIL. IM THE LEADER, I CAN KICK YOUR FURRY ASS

FROM HERE TO SHADOWCLAN." Bitches the bitchy Bluestar.

Then another wind picks up and blows Wood into Longtail. The white warrior perceives this gesture as a threat, and attacks Wood.

Wood simply sits there. Longtail goes to claw Wood and gets a huge-ass splinter in his paw. He screeches and falls backward, and a wind picks up and knocks Wood on top of him. Somehow, this cuts Longtail's ear open and he ends up bleeding all over the ground. During this, Wood's strap that his "owners" had been using to make it easier to drag him around falls off. The clan cats had thought this was a collar, so they watched as Bitchy Bluestar walks over and grabs the collar. "He has shed his kittypet roots! He can now join the clan! We shall call him, HOLLOWPAW!" She screeches. "WHAT? HE CAN'T JOIN THE CLAN!" Longtail objetcs. "LONGTAIL, GO PARK YOUR ASS IN THE CORNER!" Bluestar tells him. Longtail glares at her and pads over to the far corner of the camp, looking back and giving the newly named Hollowpaw murderous looks as he plays up his splinter injury like the pansy he is.

Graypaw stops watching the mating cats and moves to congratulate Hollowpaw when Tigerclaw and Spottedleaf roll over on his back. Squished like a pathetic shrew underneath the Medicine Cat's dappled pelt, they commence their...relations. "OH DEAR STARCLAN HELP ME!" Squeals the gray apprentice. Meanwhile Hollowpaw rolls toward the pile of cats and his little wheels hit Tigerclaw's foot and he flips over on them. The Clan sees this and Sandpaw comes running over, and shrieks loudly for about 15 minutes non stop until finally Whitestorm trots over and sees Wood rocking back and forth because of what is going on inside. "OH- OH MY LAWDY STARCLAN! HOLLOWPAW IS RAPING TIGERCLAW!" (Or well, as far as the capability of a box to rape, anyway) Screeched Whitestom.  
"I never knew Hollowpaw liked toms! Haha! Hollowpaw is GAY! look everybody, its Gaypaw!" Sneered Longtail.  
And from this day on, Hollowpaw was made fun of and was called Gaypaw by those who didn't like him.

The next morning, Graypaw wheeled Hollowpaw around the camp and showed him where everything was. Hollowpaw didn't respond to any of Graypaw's words, but Graypaw, being schitzophrenic, thought that Hollowpaw was holding a normal conversation with him and took no notice of the unresponsiveness of the box. After awhile, Longtail showed up to call Hollowpaw Gaypaw one time before Graypaw nudged the boxy thing that was Hollowpaw away and commenced attacking Longtail. The pansy cat Longtail swiped at Graypaw but only ended up mewing pitifully when he hit his splinter-filled paw against the gray apprentice. Graypaw continued to beat Longtail's ass into the ground until his mentor came over and said, "time for training."

Then Graypaw happily trotted with his ears back and head up across the clearing toward the gorse tunnel, then realized he forgot to say bye to Hollowpaw. He stopped mid trot and whipped his head around, eyes wide. He ran back and licked Hollowpaw's wheel and went after Darkstrips, his mentor.  
"Stop being gay with Gaypaw, Homopaw!" Screeched a pissed off-cross eyed Darkstrips. Then they bolted through the gorse tunnel, and into the forest. 


	2. Chapter 2: Oh STARCLAN!

OKAY... So next installment of the parody, read with caution we are not liable for small children being affected haha. Sorry it is a bit short, busy today. Keep The Reviews Coming Please :)...Or we'll sick Bitchy Bluestar on you 3 ;)

Hollowpaw sat in the center of the camp, unmoving since Graypaw left. Other members of the clan were giving him hostile looks, but he didn't give a fuck, since he's a box. Eventually Bluestar came out of her den to bitch at him for not pulling his weight around here.  
"I LET YOU JOIN THIS CLAN SO YOU COULD HELP US THROUGH OUR TIME OF NEED, AND ALL YOU DO TO THANK ME IS STAND AROUND LOOKING LIKE A DUMB-ASS? YOU LAZY SCRAP OF FUR!"  
Hollowpaw simply stared at the bitchy she-cat as she continued to rant. Finally, she stopped and said, "Fine, you ungrateful kittypet. I will be your mentor."  
Bluestar walked away to let the apprentice rejoice in being given the honor of being graced by her bitchy presence each day while the box just stared after her.

As the sky grew dark, Graypaw and Darkstrips, Sandpaw and Mousefur were returning from hunting and training. As Darkstrips reported his apprentice's progress, a rustling noise could be heard. Soon the horn-dog (Or horn-cat, in this case) Tigerclaw came rushing through the Medicine Cat den entrance,

"I'M GONNA BE A FATH-" He was cut off as the hanging brambles that concealed the doorway wrapped around his neck and prevented him from running further, and slammed his tabby ass into the ground. Hollowpaw was bumped by a passing Redtail. The box rolled toward Bluestar's den and rolled inside and moved toward her sleeping silhouette, Runningwind followed him in because he wanted to make fun of his gayness like the asshole he is.

"Oakheart! Stop! STOP IT! Don't lick that...you dirty cat. I might just have to punish a bad kitty like you." Murmered a dreaming Bluestar. Runningwind's breath caught as he puked all over the sleeping leader, and gagged at the images, coughing up a hairball from his monthly bath earlier and landed on Bluestar's head like a moldy cherry on chunky ice cream. "Yeah, you stop licking that dirty tree root damnit." She said. Runningwind sighed in relief. But then she woke up and shrieked, sounding like a mentally challanged fox kit.

"RUNNINGWIND YOU PUKED ON ME GODDAMNIT GET YOUR ASS OUT. NOW." She bitched. Runningwind tried to escape but tripped on her nest and slid face first in his own puke and slammed into Hollowpaw, sending him flying into Bluestar.

Meanwhile Tigerclaw was still being strangled by the brambles and Spottedleaf heard her mate and gave him deathberries instead of poppy seeds.

"Spottedleaf, I dont think thats pop-" He stammered but she already shoved the berries in his mouth.

"EAT IT BITCH!" She screeched, pounding her paw into his face causing his giant head to bounce off the ground like a basketball as he screamed.


	3. Chapter 3: Jebodiah

**Had a bit of writers block with this one. Plus I was busy again, and co writer wasnt in town, sorry if this one isn't so great, it's on my behalf, not hers. just wait till next time though :)... enjoy. Thank YOU for the reviews, we value them all, and read them all, and it helps when we get them. **

Tigerclaw was gagging on the deathberries when they heard a screech from the leader's den. Hollowpaw came flying out as Bluestar followed him, screeching words that no one could understand. He rolled straight into Spottedleaf, knocking the evil medicine cat away from Tigerclaw and sending the tabby sailing into the wall of the medicine den. Tigerclaw then proceeded to spit out the berries while Spottedleaf tried to attack Hollowpaw. Hollowpaw fell ontop of her so that she was trapped inside his boxly self. She screeched and pounded at the box, but could not escape.  
Meanwhile, Bluestar was still ranting at Hollowpaw about being in her den and crashing into her, and Graypaw was having a conversation with a piece of fresh kill. The apprentice looked horrified as the dead mouse supposedly told him the story of its murder. Soon, he was in the middle of the clearing, yowling that he had to give a speech about the rights of fresh kill.  
All the cats stood around and watched the apprentice, wondering what he was going on about when he mentioned someone by the name of Marty the mouse. They all eventually walked away, leaving the apprentice to rant to himself.  
By now, Spottedleaf had escaped from Hollowpaw and was attempting to help her mate get rid of the deathberries he had been choking on. Hollowpaw sat in the clearing of the medicine den, seemingly unfazed by what had happened.

Spottedleaf spat at Hollowpaw, and wanted revenge. So she plotted with a fox named Jebodiah Jelani. That night she dragged Hollowpaw by his handle (which she thought was his scruff) and pulled him out of the camp and into the forest, where Jebodiah was waiting next to the RiverClan border at the Rocks-That-Are-Way-Too-Damn-Sunny. Back at the camp Graypaw was burrying his friend Marty the mouse in the ground under his nest in the apprentice's den. He went down to the Shitplace where Hollowpaw was last seen, so he could bring him back to the "funeral". He realized he wasn't there or anywhere in the camp and shrieked. He followed the scent of Mahogany wood into the forest. Soon it led to the Rocks-That-Are-Way-Too-Damn-Sunny and he saw Jebodiah and Spottedleaf circling Hollowpaw,screeching at the box about trapping her underneath his body. Jebodiah lashed his tail, and Graypaw became distracted and darted at the fox's tail and mewed as he played with it. The Fox grabbed his neck and shook him back and forth and lost his grip, sending him flying into Spottedleaf. A mouse ran into Hollowpaw and the box hit a rock, and sailed across the rocks and into Jebodiah. The fox rolled down the cliff and hit Bluestar; whom for some reason was out of the camp and sleeping under a tree. She bitched at him. "Fool, I know you DID NOT just wake me up from my beauty sleep." She screeched. Now any normal warrior would be cowering at the sight of the sly creature, but NO ONE fucked with ThunderClan's asshole of a leader, Bluestar. Jebodiah bared his teeth at the leader and her eyes became crazed, and whipped cream flowed from her quivering jaws. She pimp slapped the poor fox and killed him. "Gotta keep my pimp paw strong." Bitchy Bluestar mewed simply and with a flick of her tail; shit on Jebodiah's carcass and padded away toward the camp. Spottedleaf owned Graypaw and left him and his box friend in the clearing. Graypaw limped toward Hollowpaw and nudged him and asked him if he was okay, and it sent him rolling back toward the ThunderClan camp. Soon after they returned, the day had come and Graypaw was yowling his tale of how he saved Hollowpaw.


	4. Chapter 4: Those Damn Apprentices

**Lovely, lovely. LOVELY. In case you were to wonder; Darkstrips was an accident. He was supposed to be Darkstripe, but I, Brittany, had a total spelling error, and so we just kept his new name. Enjoy the new chapter and please review :)**

Soon, training for the apprentices began. Hollowpaw and Graypaw were being taken into the woods for a formal hunting lesson. Graypaw was bouncing his hyper ass around the forest floor and bumping into Hollowpaw, who was rolling along and "tripping" over tree roots. Darkstrips was sucking up to Bluestar as they walked behind the apprentices, but Bluestar was simply irritated with him. She was bitchily flinging all the insults she knew at him as they followed the apprentices into the training hollow. When they got there, Graypaw was underneath Hollowpaw, who had bounced over a root at the edge of the hollow and fallen into it, Graypaw being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Time to start training!" Bluestar said irritatedly.

Graypaw threw Hollowpaw off of him and stood to attention, his box friend landing on his wheels beside him.

"Let's see your hunting crouches."

Graypaw immediately bent down and started to wave his ass in the air, excitement obvious on the oblivious apprentices face. Hollowpaw stayed where he was. Bluestar walked around them and assessed their crouches.

"Graypaw, you FAIL. Hollowpaw OBVIOUSLY did better because he's MY apprentice." Bluestar said.

Graypaw was about to say something when Bluestar said, "LET'S HUNT."

Graypaw batted at Hollowpaw and sent the box flying into the woods, some leftover loose change in the latter making a lot of noise.

"HOLLOWPAW YOU MORON. YOU ARE THE WORST HUNTER I HAVE EVER SEEN." Darkstrips screeched as he followed the apprentices. The cross-eyed warrior didn't seem to notice and or care that he himself was scaring away all of the prey in a ten foot radius. Bluestar simply snorted at him in disdain and followed the apprentices as they tripped and flipped through the trees.

After many a painfully embarrassing training sessions; it was time for Hollowpaw and Graypaw to be assessed. Darkstrips and Bluestar sat in the trees watching the dumbass gray cat and wooden box pathetically hunt.  
"If that fucking Hollowpaw doesn't even manage to catch a dead mouse i'll skin him with my teeth and put his pelt over my nest as a little den decor." Grumbled bitchy Bluestar. Just then Graypaw spotted her tail dangling over the tree branch; swaying back and forth. He thought it was a possum and decided to surprise such a big catch and be the talk of the clan. He sprinted up a smaller tree so he could get closer to the "possum". He wiggled his haunches and had a mini orgasm at the thought of being such an awesome hunter. He leaped and grabbed onto Bluestar's tail and was hanging from it, slowly swaying back and forth. The stupid leader wasn't aware of the sharp pain shooting through her tail until the fatass apprentices' weight became too much for her tail to handle and flung her off the tree along with Graypaw. They crashed to the earth and Bluestar whipped her head around; that infamous pissed-off look burning into Graypaw's soul.

Graypaw flinched from the leaders obvious anger. She opened her mouth to start bitching him out when suddenly a wind picked up and Hollowpaw flew out of nowhere, a mouse on his back, and slammed into her. The leader was knocked out completely and Graypaw sighed in relief.

"Thanks buddy!" He said cheerily as he looked over at the box cat.

Hollowpaw sat silently on Bluestar, the mouse still on his back.

"Nice catch by the way." Graypaw said with a friendly nudge as he headed back to the training hollow, his tail flicking happily and idiotically in the air as he went.

Hollowpaw slowly rolled down the slight incline he was on and "followed" his friend back to the hollow. Darkstrips was waiting there, seemingly relieved that the leader of his clan was nowhere in sight. He led the two apprentices back to the camp, Bluestar lying pathetically in the woods somewhere behind them.

That night Bluestar awoke, but the blow from Hollowpaw made her forget the little incident with Graypaw. She began to stand and winced at the pain in her fluffy tail and skinny flanks. She figured she must have sprained something while she was observing the two apprentices. She slowly made her way back to camp, it was night but the cats in the clearing should surely be awake. She stumbled down the hill, mumbling 'shits' and 'goddamn mother fucking paws' when she would accidently hit her tender feet on rocks. As she came into the clearing; Whitestorm saw her and thought she was a rogue.

"INTRUDER! THUNDERCLAN ATTACK!" He yowled, throwing himself into Bluestar.

Redtail, her deputy, leaped at her too and about four cats were attacking their leader, because they're dumbasses. Bluestar's Psycho Bitch Powers kicked in and she tore at each of her clanmates, killing her deputy, Redtail. When this happened the cats stopped fighting and looked at their insane leader, eyes wide. The ThunderClan leader stood there fur on end, quivering and baring her teeth.

"HOW COULD YOU ATTACK ME YOU STUPID IDIOTS! YOU'RE WARRIORS FOR STARCLANS SAKE! HAVE YOU NO DAMN BRAINS?" She screeched. The three remained cats stood staring at her in shock, unable to speak. Graypaw (being insane) padded up to the pissed-off leader, unsheathed his claws and poked her in the right flank with one. (Her sore one, no less) This was indeed a horrible mistake. The agitated leader spun around, claws outstretched, and swiped at the curious gray apprentice; landing a blow square in his little shoulder. He shrieked and was sent whirling through the air, and straight into Highrock.

"LOOK WHAT YOU MOUSE-BRAINED, FOX-HEARTS MADE ME DO! I KILLED MY FUCKING DEPUTY AND JUST ASSAULTED THAT DAMN APPRENTICE WHOSE NAME I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW!" She bitched at the cats who still hadn't moved. She flicked her tail and ears in annoyance and stalked off into her den to bitch and moan about what happened.


	5. Chapter 5: Hollowback and Graystripe

**New chapter guys! Sorry it has been a WHILE. But I appreciate when you read, and so does Jebodiah. FoxClan rest his soul. Lmao. I do not own warriors.**

It was the next day, and it was sweltering outside. Graypaw was wheeling Hollowpaw into the clearing, believing they were just walking side by side when Bluestar called out for the clan to assemble.

"OH MY STARCLAN. HOLLOWPAW. HOLLOWPAW, HOLLOWPAW! WE GET OUR WARRIOR NAMES!" Screeched Graypaw as he chased his tail in a happy circle. Darkstrips whacked him in the back of the head. "Shut up, stupid. You're annoying; I really hate you. I can't wait until I don't have to mentor your dumbass anymore." Hissed Darkstrips, stalking off too sit next to a splinter-injury-recovering Longtail. Bluestar looked really pissed off. "Because I have stupid ass goddamn warriors in this failing clan, Redtail is now DEAD. GONE. WAY TO GO THUNDERCLAN." She screeched. The heat was certainly fueling her bitchiness to a whole new level.

"And so, I HAVE to say these words before the body of that Redtail retard. Even though I should just stay in my den and break the 'new deputy before moonrise' badgershit, Condemning you ass holes to the Place of No Stars; I don't believe I deserve to end up there." She yowled. The cats below all froze, emotionally being stung by all the hurtful words pouring out of Bluestar's jaws.

"On top of that, I have to make those two moron apprentices into warriors. So whatever." She sighed, annoyed. "So I say these words before the body of whatever the hell his name was," She meowed. "Too many damn cat names." She muttered under her breath before continuing. "So that his ghost/spirit thing can approve, WHAT IS ALREADY MY, choice." She ranted. Tigerclaw's amber eyes shone as he awaited for his name to be bitched. Ever since he was a young she-cat he wanted to be clan deputy. "Lionheart will be the new deputy of ThunderClan." She meowed. Tigerclaw's tail drooped as he looked down at his paws. It hadn't been a good moon for him. His bat-shit crazy mate tried to kill him, not to mention the brambles of her den choked him at the same time. On top of that his dreams and hopes were crushed as thatfucking Lionheart took his place as deputy. His tail dragged on the ground as he slowly walked across the clearing. To his bad luck, his tail kicked up a bit of dust which went into Longtail's face. "YOU IDIOT! I BATHED THREE DAYS AGO AND LOOK WHAT YOU JUST DID!" He spat, clawing Tigerclaw's muzzle. The tabby tom pitifully mewed and continued on his way to the corner of shame.

"Okay, well. Now I can give those apprentices their warrior names." Bluestar sighed. "Darkstrips, Hollowpaw and Graypaw, step forward, NOW." She snapped. Graypaw confidently stood and tripped on Hollowpaw. "Whoops." He meowed as he ran down three warriors and rolled into the highrock, sending Hollowpaw running over them just after him. They moaned and groaned in pain from the inflictions caused by the insane apprentice and his wooden accomplice. "Darkstrips, are you satisfied that this apprentice is ready to become a warrior?" Asked Bluestar.

"Actually, No, he's kind of a fa-" He began, but was soon cut off.

"GREAT. OKAY, warrior ancestors, blah blah, understand ways, whatever, here he is a warrior in his turn you dead bastards." She meowed. "Graypaw, do you promise to die for this clan and whatever the fuck else I'm suppose to say?" She mewed, clearly bored.

"I DO!" He squealed like a kit.

"Then by the powers of dead cats in the sky, I give you your warrior name. Graypaw, from now on you will be known as Graystripe. ThunderClan welcomes you as a full warrior." She meowed. The fear stricken clan yowled his name. After she began the warrior name ceremony for Hollowpaw, it was his turn to say 'I do'.

"Hollowpaw… are you okay, buddy?" Asked Graystripe, his cat-ly self hitting cat puberty, his voice deepened dramatically.

The box just blankly stared. Graystripe's schizophrenia kicked into gear, and he believed Hollowpaw had whispered in his ear.

"Hollowpaw is nervous, and he cannot answer. There fore I will for him." He announced.

"On behalf of Hollowpaw, I do!" He meowed.

"Oh. Great. Okay, um I give you your warrior name. Hollowpaw from now on, you will be known as Hollowback. ThunderClan welcomes you as a full warrior." She announced, very very bored at this point. When Graystripe went to lick her shoulder, she pimp slapped him with her paw. Because she believed he was putting a move on her. He knocked Hollowback down highrock and into the spot for vigil.

**So what did you think? I love this story. I can't help myself. It swears a lot, it is true. I love it even more because of that. REVIEW PLEASE 8D I love you guys hehe**


	6. Chapter 6: Warriors Vigil Gone to Hell

**It's been like a year since an update. XD. Well there's Chapter 6, enjoy! Hope to be getting back into this series xD**

**I DO NOT OWN WARRIORS, OR ANY OC. CREDIT GOES TO ERIN HUNTER FOR SUCH A LOVELY SERIES.**

Graystripe sat in the center of the clearing, with his chest puffed out, eyes narrowed and ears flat. He was proud that he was a big boy warrior now. He was very excited, and knew he would be awesome. Suddenly, Bluestar came barreling out of her den and body-slammed Graystripe. "OOOWWWWWW" He screeched and he tumbled across the clearing. "YOU STUPID SCRAP OF FUR. I KNOW YOU'VE LIKED ME ALL ALONG, NOW YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GAIN MY TRUST SO YOU CAN BE LEADER OF WINDCLAN" She screeched.

"You mean Thunderclan?" Asked a puzzled Graystripe.

"WHATEVER!" She yowled as she struck his face with her claws unsheathed. The blow scratched his face and left claw marks running over his left eye. she batted at him while he screeched and she ended up tearing his ear.

"BLUESTAR PLEASE! STOP! I'M NOT TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU!" He pitifully hissed.

"OH YEAH, BY THE WAY, YOU CAN'T BE A WARRIOR." She hissed back.

"WHAT!? WHY!" He screeched, tears welling up in his blue eyes.

"BECAUSE YOU TALKED YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU CAN'T FUCKING TALK WHEN YOU'RE IN VIGIL." She screeched.

"CLEARLY YOU AREN'T CAPABLE OF A SIMPLE TASK." She snarled.

Graystripe narrowed his eyes and his body shook in blind rage. "YOU ARE NOT PREPARED, BLUESTAR!" He yowled and launched himself at the bitchy she-cat. Caught off guard, she barely dodged the flying paw headed for her face. Bluestar hissed. All the meanwhile Hollowback is just standing there like a dumbass "watching" the clan cats battle it out.

Tigerclaw padded sleepily out of the medicine den, thinking he could sneak back to the warrior's den after his sly rendezvous with Spottedleaf. He gasped in terror and jumped as he saw his clanmates outside. What if they saw him? For the LOVE of THE DARK FOREST can't a tom get some tail in peace? He thought to himself. He scurried behind a tree and very slowly peeked around the trunk. He darted toward the warrior's den as Longtail was blinking the sleep out of his eyes and getting out of his nest to go investigate the shrieking and cursing in the clearing. Face first, Tigerclaw smashed into Longtail. That shit woke him up real quick. Longtail shouldered Tigerclaw into the sharp brambles of the den and mumbled something about Tigerclaw being a douche canoe.

Back out in the clearing Darkstrips was cheering Bluestar on, because he hates that bitchass Graystripe. His cheering became too much and he accidentally bumped Hollowback. Hollowback rolled swiftly forward, and got tripped up on the Thunderclan leader's fluffy tail. He flipped on top of her and the delusional-bitch-cat was trapped. Little did the simple wooden construct know, he stopped a potential civil war within the clan. Graystripe puffed his fur up and howled victoriously to the moon. Yes howled, shut up it's my story. Anyway, then Bluestar began to slash at the box, unable to escape. She broke one of the sides and all the cats in the clearing gasped.

"OH MY STARCLAN SHE KILLED HIM!" Screeched Whitestorm.

Bluestar calmly walked up to her nephew. Suddenly she exploded. "SHUT THE HELL UP, DO YOU WANT ME TO PISS ON YOU? PISS ON EVERYTHING YOU EVER LOVED?"

Whitestorm's eyes widened. He stuck his tail between his legs and padded off to the warriors den to cry. Nobody ever talked to sweet Whitestorm like that.

"THE HELL ARE YOU ALL STANDING THERE FOR? TAKE HIM TO SPOTTEDLEAF YOU IDIOTS." She growled. Graystripe and Dustpelt dragged the box into the brambles of the medicine den.

As Hollowback was wheeled into the medicine den, Spottedleaf whipped around from straightening her mating-ruffled fur. She stared at the three warriors as they approached her.

"What the hell happened to him? He finally get his ass beat?" She meowed indifferently.

"He was hurt-" Graystripe began.

"SHUT YOUR USELESS MOUTH. WHO'S THE MEDICINE CAT HERE? I THINK I CAN DAMN WELL FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM." Spottedleaf yowled.

"But-" Graystripe tried again.

"NO. GET YOUR FURRY ASS OUTTA MY MEDICINE DEN BEFORE I PUNT YOU FROM HERE TO THE THUNDERPATH."

The stricken gray warrier dejectedly walked out of the medicine den, mumbling about Hollowback and medicine cats. Spottedleaf turned back to the box and growled, swiping at the side that that bitch Bluestar had broken. Dustpelt looked on, confused and scared out of his fucking mind.

"I can't heal this! Where did all of this go?! You think that berry poultice shit is gonna work when he has a gaping hole in his side?!" Spottedleaf shrieked at Dustpelt after she finished her assessment of the wooden warrior.

"I don't-"

"You don't have a brain?! I can tell! You might as well go bury his sorry furry ass right now!"

Dustpelt stood there, covered in the dust that gave him his name, and stared stupidly at the irate medicine cat. At this point, all of her shrieking went in one ear, through his tiny brain, and out the other. By the time she calmed down, he had no clue what she had just said to him.

"Get out of my sight." Spottedleaf spat at him.

That particular command he did hear, however. On his way out, he tumbled into Bluestar, who was on her way to see what the medicine cat had done for her former apprentice.

"YOU JUST STEPPED ON MY PAW YOU MORON. HOW DARE YOU ATTACK THE LEADER OF RIVERCLAN."

Graystripe's voice sounded outside the den. "Don't you mean Thunder-"

"WHATEVER." She shrieked. She elbowed poor Dustpelt aside and stalked into the medicine den.

"Bluestar, he's as good as dead. All I can do is give him some poppy seeds. That high should send him all the way to Starclan with no more pain." Spottedleaf reported solemnly.

"Hollowback. I'm disappointed in you. I hope you rot in the dark forest for all the shame you have brought upon me and our family." Bluestar said solemnly.

"But Blue-"

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH GRAYSTRIPE. DON'T YOU DARE INTERRUPT ME AGAIN YOU WORTHLESS SCRAP OF FUR."

"Okay..."

Bluestar stared up at the sky, as if seriously mourning the loss of Hollowback. When she wasn't looking, Spottedleaf accidentally bumped into the wheeled warrior, sending him careening across the open space of her den.

"Hollowback lives!" Spottedleaf shouted.

"DAMN IT ALL TO THE DARK FOREST." Bluestar yowled to the sky.


	7. Chapter 7: Trying Times in ThunderClan

**DISCLAIMER! I don't own any original characters, yada yada yada. All rights go to the lovely ladies that make up Erin Hunter. Enjoy! Another chapter of good intentions (and not so good ones!) gone awry.**

...Three moons later...

Spottedleaf was rummaging through the undergrowth in search of more herbs. that bitch Hollowback used up most of her inventory when he was injured. Her poor supply was still dwindling all this time later. Her swollen belly hung heavily underneath her, preventing her from getting low enough to see under the gorse bushes. Instead of cursing and becoming infuriated, she simply sighed and tried to part the rough branches. Her recent seminar, 'How to Hold Your Tail High, Despite All These Motherfuckers and Their Bitchassery' at the edge of Twolegplace had shown her a thing or two about patience. She dug around for more marigolds, hooking a few on her paws to rip out. "I got a paw, got a paw full'a sunshine..." She merrily mewed as she plucked along, her belly comically swaying under her.

"LOOK THE FUCK OUT!" She heard the screeching sound above her. She froze in terror. Suddenly Darkstrips' fat ass came hurtling out of an oak tree nearby. The warrior was headed right for the medicine cat. Spottedleaf ducked and the striped cat flew over her, the wind from his flight ruffling the fur on her ears. Face first, he smashed into the ground a few pawsteps ahead of her.

By the pissed off look on the pregnant she-cat's muzzle, it appeared as though that seminar wasn't quite as effective as one would have thought.

"HEY. WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR DEAL?" She growled, stomping toward Darkstrips.

The tom was petrified by the hormonally-charged and raging behemoth-bitch of a she-cat that was coming at him. "I-I'uh was h-h-hunti-"

"CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE?! CAN YOU NOT TELL I'M WITH KITS? YOU STUPID FOX-HEARTED, MOUSE-BRAINED, ASININE..."

Bluestar and Tigerclaw padded side by side through the brush toward the border with ShadowClan to hunt. Suddenly they heard an ungodly sound coming from the foliage next to the training grounds. "...FOX-HEARTED, MOUSE-BRAINED, ASININE SON OF A SHE-CAT!"

The two cats paused. "Who the fuck is that?" Whispered Tigerclaw.

Bluestar slowly turned to him. "GrassClan cats, obviously." She rolled her eyes. "How fucking stupid can you be?" She growled.

"Um, GrassClan doesn't even exi-"

"ARE YOU CALLIN' ME A LIAR? I'M THE LEADER, I THINK I KNOW MY CLANS, THANKS." Bitchy Bluestar snarled.

"Sorry.." He meowed. "Bitch." He muttered.

Spottedleaf was tense, spitting furiously at Darkstrips when suddenly they heard the bushes rustling. Instantly the crazy ass medicine cat calmed down.

"What's that noise?" She meowed.

Darkstrips remained unmoving.

"Must be WindClan cats! Those mongrels! Quick, Darkshits, we must prepare for an attack!" She hissed courageously.

Still, Darkstrips lie unmoving, paralyzed by fear.

Spottedleaf crouched (pathetically) behind the warrior that lay belly up and motionless, ever so slowly bringing her head up above his stomach to peer into the bushes.

Suddenly, Bitchy Bluestar and her sidekick Tigerclaw bust through the bushes, shrieking like the dickens.

"STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE!" Yowled Tigerclaw, leaping forward.

However, the tabby tom totally missed his target, falling very short. Bluestar ferociously pounded into the clearing behind Tigerclaw. Unfortunately, a thorny branch snagged on her nappy pelt and flung off its native plant, only to land over the crazed leader of ThunderClans' eyes.

"OH, OH GOD. SWEET MOTHER OF CATS! HELP! CLANSTARS, HELP!" She screeched, flinging in circles. Her careless panic caused her to spiral (uncontrollably) close to Tigerclaw. In one last (horribly sad) effort to shake the branch off, Bluestar spun around, spearing Tigerclaw in the ass with the biggest thorn on the stick.

"AAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He cried, pitifully mewling.

Meanwhile, Darkstrips and Spottedleaf just stared, jaws agape.

"I think we need to reevaluate our governmental representatives.." Meowed Darkstrips after a silence settled over the training hollow.


End file.
